This time he blinked. A blink lasts just a moment but a lot can be lost in a blink. When God blinks it changed my life forever and a day. I am so intimately involved with depression that I am not going to return from it this time. I am experiencing a hopelessness that is obscene. It is touchable, tasteable, useable and wearable. There is no way out of this that I can see.
The people with whom I have spoken about May 29, 2014 either don’t hear the words I use to explain that day or the way that they deal with some else’s tragedy is deplorable. I love to hear people say “let us know if we can do anything” and when they are “let know” their response is we can’t help you but we know people who can help you. Why don’t you call this person or talk to these people or go here or go there? THE CORRECT RESPONSE TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEINGS SUFFERING is to reach into your own pocket (your own life) to give and sacrifice on another’s behalf. I love that these people see someone bleeding from a gaping whole in their soul and the response is, “I can’t give you one of my bandaids but I know someone who might have one and if you just hurry up and ask them…you could get it.” For a someone, anyone, to share the same story with me that I have shared, my response would be one to be reckoned with. It reminds me of the reasons why consumers hate the companies with which the have to deal. The Walmarts, Targets, Banana Republics, ATT, Sprint, gas companies, water companies, banks, finance companies have turned people into hurt souls over shoes and phone bills, and mortgages. I feel the same after sharing May 29, 2014 that I do when I talk to the insurance company where one rep asks me a bunch identity verification questions-that rep figures they can’t answer my questions so I get put off on someone else and I have to start again with the identity questions meanwhile depleting my soul and fortifying the fact that no one hears me-no one at this company really cares. That’s what this situation is. Not one person with whom I shared this story has had an appropriate response. So from this I have lengthened the list from which I will not recall in case of an emergency. Was this the lesson to be learned? I’m ready to give up. I don’t want to die necessarily I just want to earth to slow down enough so that I can get off. I don’t want to be here anymore with people who behave like drones. Actually, there is one person who has responed acceptably. What’s even more crazy is that these people are CHRISTIANS! I don’t get it and I don’t want to. I do want to explore the phenomenon of God blinking and the fallout that ensues. I have no allegiance to anyone anymore. Not even myself. I am so embarrassed that I repeated my own destruction to anyone. That day started with a blink. I knew it. I just didn’t make appropriate choices. I didn’t grab an FHP when I was getting dressed that morning. I had to spend money I was losing on more when I got to train station. I wore white pants that day. There was no visitor’s office at the train station or anywhere close to it. I was genuinely lost when as I walked. I want to go back in time and fix that day. I can see it happening from above. God’s blink. Maybe he was trying to tell me that morning that I shouldn’t go that day. Maybe because his eyes were closed on me that day I was lost. Since that day I have been lost over and over again. Impossibility plagues my life. It meets me when I wake and hovers over me when I sleep. Everything that I am not surrounds me now. My environment mocks me. It’s as if a mirror precedes me revealing all that I lack. I wish to stop dreaming. I wish to stop hoping. I wish to cease.
I hate being me. This year has been difficult. When is it that I get to rest? My whole life, not just this year, has been full of turmoil and fight and grit. I don’t want that anymore. That must be the reason I pretend to be superficial and I really love superficial things. I long for a real escape.