AKAtashakay

Thank you, Lord.

I am grateful for the faithfulness of God. I am in a tough situation with no place to live and no car and no job. Today two potential landlords called to turn me down saying that my credit history is delinquent and therefore I am not worthy to live in their spaces. Although those kind of words can be a blow to the spirit, they are not. I did not expect this to be as tough as it has been but I know that it is the will of the Lord that I am settled. His word says so. He says that I am the apple of his eye. He calls me above and not beneath. He says that I am in the palm of his hand. He says that he perfects that which concerns me. So I take refuge in His words and His wisdom for it is greater than mine and anybody’s anywhere. He says He knows the plans He has for me. He says He did this to prove me and to do me good in my latter end. I am so thankful for his faithfulness. Because He upholds me when I fail in faith.  I am encouraged and I say Halleluia to the King of Kings!

In touch with friends.

Today, I reconnected with friends to whom I have not spoken in months. The Body is such a terrific thing because we just picked up right where we left off. Ms Lipsey, Ms Arbutnot, Ms Oteh, Mrs R. I’ll tell you what I have a terrific circle of friends. 

Thank you ladies.

I’m getting it. Even when I’m scared.

I feel like it’s a tough time to be me. It is Pi Day (3/14) and I am scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen next with my life. I adapted this ideal that I first jump and expect the net to appear. I know I have done this before now but still I am so afraid that this is the time that I should have secured a net before jumping. I should have had a back up to the back up. But if this is it; then amen. I have had a good life. I got to do almost everything I wanted to do. I have a long list of regrets that I am still working through but I made it further than I ever thought I would.

I love living. I love it more than I ever thought I could. As a little girl, raped by my uncle and then as a step daughter, molested by the only father I knew then-I made it really far. I’m far out. I turned out to be OK. My life did too. 

Now I’m getting what faith is the evidence of things unseen means. The only evidence I have now is packing this place so that I can move next week. I don’t know after that. I have no idea. But still I’m getting up everyday and I am doing what I can. I am spending  money which is scary too. I can’t make sense of this moment of uncertainty. However, why not? Why not take another leap? Every time I do He answers with magnificence.

I remember moving to TN with my two small children and no job and no place to live and a mere $125. When I left TN I had maybe $500. I’m leaving Missouri with about $2000. Wow, Lord. You’re impossibly faithful! 

So I will accept this fear for what it is. Just fear. It’s not the end of me. It’s another beginning. I thank you, God for making me possible in You.

Knowing when.

Even though you know when it is time to say when—when it’s actually time; you’re still scared and hurt. I had my second experience of the year with “knowing when.” A hurting friend of mine hurt me today.  I knew months ago that I should have the difficult conversation with her that she needs to see a professional so that she can stop hurting inside and by extension stop hurting the people she loves. I didn’t have that conversation. Because I acted in cowardice she lashed out at me via text message and told me not to bother contacting her again. I won’t contact her for a while but I will write her a letter soon to let her know what she needs to do for her own health and welfare.  That is a letter that I will pray about before I send it (a double portion) because when she is corrected in any way she becomes viciously defensive. I want her to be better even if I never see her or talk to her again. She needs someone who has years of training to help her get to a healthy place. 

It seems that since we hear the inner voice letting us “know when” that it should be easier to do the thing that needs to be done WHEN it needs to be done. Why do we (I) put it off? I had few instances in my life when I have had the courage to do what I knew to do when I needed to do it; and I must say that it was liberating. But still I approach that moment with such apprehension. I suppose because I have struggled with acceptance for such a long time that waiting for the other person or agency to let me go however humiliating or hurtful seems better.

I wanted to exact revenge right then and there via text message. I wanted to execute judgement at the moment I got the weird text message. Because when someone hurts you and you know they are not well you know just what to say or do to bring them to their knees. I think abusive parents are really good at this. But in that moment that I wanted to make her feel small, I felt small. How dare I attempt to reduce another human being to the pain that I know so well? What gain have I in that? I asked myself what is the most important outcome here and I answered that she be well. I don’t think it is my responsibility to make her well but when I am further from my hurt feelings I will write to her as lovingly as I know how the steps that might be helpful. It sounds so self-righteous for me to write her and let her know about steps that might be helpful. I don’t want to belittle her in any way or bruise her wounded soul but rather I want to show her a different path and I hope that she is receptive at that time.

I remember when I was as she is—in ability to hang onto good friends. So I know there is healing. I’m proof that one does not have to be that way always.